what other people think of you has nothing to Do with you…
…and what your reaction to criticism can teach you about your insecurity.
It is an inherent part of the human condition to be affected or influenced by other people’s opinions of or thoughts about us. After all, most of us don’t exist in vacuums. Even during a pandemic, even when we feel trapped behind Zoom screens, we constantly operate within complex webs of various relationships with people, be they our spouses, children, friends, teachers, acquaintances, and even strangers. It seems natural, therefore, that we could be agitated or bothered by other people’s perceptions of us.
A recent experience shed some interesting light on the real why that underlies our susceptibility to other’s opinions. A math tutor came over to work with one of my daughters. They worked intensely for over an hour, and the time came for me to interrupt them because my daughter needed to leave for dance class. As they quickly wrapped things up, the tutor made a passing comment about my daughter being “micromanaged.” Now, this is not a word that generally elicits a positive connotation. Even to my own surprise, however, I had no emotional reaction to this. Zero. I did think it was curious that someone who barely knows us would form an opinion like that, let alone share it out loud, but aside from that fleeting thought, it didn’t bother me at all.
Since I had entirely forgotten about it, the apology email I received from the tutor the next morning took me by surprise. He expressed remorse at a failed attempt to make a lighthearted joke, and concern that he had offended me and/or my daughter. I was genuinely touched by his thoughtfulness and kindness. Then, I reflected on how the situation could have transpired differently. My initial thought upon reading his message was something like, “Wait a minute, I wasn't bothered or upset at all by the comment. Should I have been? Did I miss something that should have offended me?” Of course the answer is no: there is never a “should” when it comes to feelings. More importantly, I realized that the reason his comment had no impact on me is because of my conviction that I in no way micromanage my daughter’s time. It’s that simple. What he said didn’t strike a single cord in me; it hit at nothing that lies within me; it touched on no personal truths or insecurities in me on the issue. I know I don’t micromanage her, I have no baggage around that, and I don’t need to qualify that statement in any way. So just like that, I was able to dismiss it and to easily let this man know that there was absolutely no offense taken.
It’s an interesting lesson. When people make comments to and/or about you, and you find yourself feeling bothered by them, look inside yourself and see if the comment touched on something you already feel or know or worry or suspect about yourself. This does not mean that, as sensitive human creatures, we are not sometimes offended or insulted by criticisms or comments that have no truth to them, but generally I would argue that if there is absolutely no truth to it - for you and inside you - it should come naturally and easily to let it go and give it no significance.
What other people think of you has nothing to do with you, unless it has something to do with you.